SUMMER BRAKE
This year is and has been so special in many ways. Friends have been awesome. My health has greatly improved. Things have happened and just now, preparing for summer brake, I saw that the last time I automated an out of office note was in 2015. Why was that?
Well, I had just not gotten around to having summer brakes or to even thinks about such notifications. My health and my life had gone crazy in that time. I cannot count the times, I see “old stuff“ showing me „when I did such and such“ for the last time, cuz my life completely turned bonkers. (sorry I am using ableist language, I just can’t find adequate other words, to describe what has happened to me). This one, the mail out of office notification, hit home a lot. My health had been troublesome for the longest before that, but that year showed me the hights of what bad can mean not even thinking of the year after that, which tought me ALL the humility. Letting me just literally live day to day. Minute to minute. Not even being able to think much ahead. At all.
Things have improved and I am thankful and grateful and so happy. At the same time much grieving needs to be done and creeps up on me once in a while. Grieving of the years I missed. Where life happened around me.The times I was so scared to loose it all. To be able to think and remember without struggling. The times I was sh*t scared not knowing if my writing skills would come back or if hand writing would ever be the same. Not to mention drawing. Where I had to relearn the easiest things. How to spell “curry”. Sometimes today, when I cling on to a table, scared not to fall, I remember the times , I carried my own leg up the stares. Cuz it did not move on its own any more. Or I took that limp arm and put it where it would hinder me the least. All of it, hidden away from my students. Not to loose them. Which meant loosing my income, my existence. Big things and small things.
Being alone with most of it, made me realize my strength but also just left me with this big, big bunch of tears. Tears that want to be cried and often sneak up on me, quietly. So if you were invited to my little party and you could not come, maybe you know now, why it was so special and important to me. It was not just celebrating 25 plus years of me teaching and my BD, but so much more. The peeps who attended, felt it all the way or at least partially. I had a hard time expressing it. My words, especially spoken, would not tell my story, my gratitude, my relief, my happiness, my tears, my struggle, the fight, being scared sh*tless. Much shame and being hurt and so much pain is and was involved. Just so many very strong feelings.
These times right now are fast, crazy nuts. I am trying to walk along and do what I can, to keep up and reach my goals, make up for lost time. So if you wonder, why I did not invite everyone and did not have the big concert situation as I had wished for, know, my strength was just enough to plan for the small event I did. I wished for the big one, but that must wait. I am still recuperating from the small one. Hoping and asking the angels to watch over me. Since I tend to over do it as a friend said „I was impressed you managed all that, AND you made it to see a concert the next day“. He knew… My will is huge but sometimes the body sets limitations.
So today, I was set back and putting that absentee notification in my mail app, I had one of those moments, where life seems to halt and although everything speeds past you, you halt and sleep and take the warm loving help from your friends.
Stay safe everyone. Buckle up. Register to vote. Party. Make music and laugh a lot. This life has no guarantee what so ever. And we do live in weird, fantastic and most peculiar times. I‘m trying to make the best of it. Let’s rock this.
Pics: Spontaneous duet with a talented student of mine and a concert the next day. ‚Creep‘ is a song that has accompanied me, not just cuz it was a song of my generation but cuz I always felt it, a lot.
Side note:
Anyone who is interested in singing, speaking, vocal, performance classes with me, I’m on summer brake but will resume classes in September. Off and online there is a free spot as we speak. So see you soon!
Fotos sind Stills aus einem Video was von Meltem Evmez, @risewithmeltem Yoga & Health Coach for women, based in Stuttgart gemacht wurde, danke Meltem, auch für die Cig Köfte, komplett AW konform!
